Divorce: Understanding (and Surviving) Your Emotions
By Lori A. Grover‚ N.C.P.M.‚ President‚ Divorce Resource Center of RI
The quality of life after divorce is the most common concern for divorcing people. Just thinking about it is overwhelming considering that our emotional state contributes to a large percentage of our ability to thrive post–divorce.
We tend to fear for ourselves and our well–being which if left to manifest can become debilitating at a time when we need strength and courage to rebuild a new life. For many‚ negative coping skills dominate which only hinders the recovery process while at the same time putting one in a state of limbo. It is important to be “self aware” during divorce transition and in order to do this‚ we must be willing to look at ourselves completely in order to fully understand and recognize negative‚ self–destructive behaviors before they become paralyzing.
Divorce provokes so many emotions‚ some of which are positive and can be used as a catalyst‚ others serve only to limit or restrict. This is where it is critical to be honest with yourself.
Negative coping behaviors are quite easy to recognize if you know the symptoms‚ but can be difficult to recognize during the emotional intensity of divorce. When taking on additional responsibilities for children‚ finances‚ homes and careers it can be easy to exclusively shift the blame of such behaviors to exhaustion and frustration.
Negative Coping Skills
There’s one thing that all divorcing individuals should take comfort in and that is some emotional “down time”‚ a reprieve from the stress‚ the thinking and the worrying. This is an important component to emotional health providing it does not turn into isolation. Pulling away from other people‚ adopting a victim mentality and licking your wounds leaves you prey to your imagination and makes it very difficult to maintain a healthy perspective‚ which is difficult under the best of circumstances.
Isolation can turn into obsession which further inhibits your ability to function‚ care for your children and even earn a living; ultimately preventing or delaying healing and getting on with life.
Compulsive activities such as drinking‚ eating and spending money should also be mentioned as they serve only to temporarily satisfy and distract the mind while potentially contributing to a loss of self–esteem or even self–respect later on‚ neither of which would be welcome additions to your emotions.
Because some choose not to seek out some type of emotional support‚ another negative coping method is revenge. While this may appear more than justified it is almost a guarantee that this type of behavior during the divorce process will make it more costly‚ painful and detrimental especially when children are caught in the crossfire.
It is important to have a support network but one must be cautious of “wearing out” those that we look to for support. When friends and family step up‚ they should not be leaned on but instead leaned into for support to avoid the danger of burning them out. Most importantly‚ don’t feel sorry for yourself. Be compassionate‚ gentle‚ understanding and patient‚ but do not turn to pity. If you learn to recognize these negative propensities you will be better able to position yourself to be proactive not reactive to your emotions.
Positive Coping Skills
Pain is pain; suffering is being alone with pain. Push yourself to be with other people during this time of transition. Social stimulation will not abolish your suffering but it will provide a break in the intensity. Become genuinely involved in activities that give you a sense of personal power while laying the foundation for closure such as organizing your divorce papers‚ cleaning up your home‚ setting up your individual finances and writing goals.
Begin a plan for healing and getting on with your life; don’t settle for being scarred or scared. Acknowledge your emotions and do not try to convince yourself that you’re okay if you´re not.
Like a wound that can’t heal until it begins to scab‚ your feelings can not begin to heal until you feel them. Writing out your feelings‚ participating in support groups‚ life coaches and counselors can all help ease the pain and promote healing. Every person experiences and processes divorce differently‚ therefore choose the therapeutic tools that feel right for you and remember that you may gravitate toward different tools throughout the process.
The path to forgiveness (and healing) begins when one no longer feels the need to blame
Blame keeps us stuck and prevents us from seeing our contribution to the failure of the marriage no matter how large or small. Accepting your share of the responsibility will lessen the need for blame which if not addressed will eventually make you bitter‚ and bitterness is its own punishment. Moving on with your life can be described as the fine art of building new memories which will begin once you have healed to the best of your ability.
This is the time to step out into life. You should understand what you would have done differently as well as why you chose to marry your former spouse; this becomes the foundation for new relationships.
Getting Out of Your Own Way
If‚ for whatever reason‚ you decide not to take some sort of appropriate steps to consciously survive your divorce and dilute the effects of your past memories‚ eventually those memories will build‚ overpowering and eventually oozing into and spoiling other parts of your life. Obviously‚ this is much easier said than done‚ and it can be even harder to sustain and maintain‚ as it takes roughly thirty days for a change in behavior to become a habit and several months for a habit to become part of your personality.
In the end‚ the effort is an investment in yourself‚ your future and your quality of life – the decision is yours.
